I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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