i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Girls should come with a carfax report
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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