Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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