Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
