my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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