i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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