i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
