ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
high people should be assigned attendants
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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