I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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