Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
