Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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