whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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