I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
