I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
