we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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