I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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