I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
