so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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