chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
