I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
