dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
