I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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