I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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