I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
