I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
