I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
