i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My vagina just clenched in fear
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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