hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
