I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
