non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
