Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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