That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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