just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
