The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
