I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
