At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
