while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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