i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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