If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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