is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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