im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
