We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
