You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
