Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
