I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
