i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
