she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Pooping to opera.
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