A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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