Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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