i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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